ADHD Stress- Mom, Husband & Kids

Having treated thousands of people with ADHD, I find one question that comes up over and over again. That question is “Doc, why is my ADHD life so damn hard?” Now there are variations of this question, such as “I thought the medication would take care of all of this ADHD stuff” or “Shouldn’t I have outgrown all this?” This is when I remind my patients that ADHD is a life long condition.  It requires a lifetime of learning and managing from many different angles in order to be successful.  Just because we get some relief from our medication, we still will always have to battle against those three primary traits of ADHD we have been dealing with all of our lives.

The good news is you’re probably familiar with the “Big 3” ADHD traits.  You have just probably forgotten how they look when you are older.   Remember those of us with ADHD tend to be: 1) Impulsive, 2) Inattentive and/or 3) Hyperactive

If you think you are going to outgrow these traits, or they are going to disappear now that you are taking medication, that just is not the case for most of us with ADHD.  I usually find that most of what is making ADHD life hard falls into three categories:

Being too impulsive:

“The Inability to Hold back, or think before making a decision…”

-We tend to make quick decisions.  Later those quick decisions only come back to “haunt” us.

-We make quick decisions without giving ourselves adequate time to carefully consider the possible effects or results of our actions.

-We sometimes don’t think about the possible alternatives which could serve us better.

Inattentiveness or Zoning out of life:

“Difficulty staying present and focused on what is right in front of us…”

-Inattentiveness can cause us to act on a quick decision without taking adequate time to look at possible negative results of our quick decisions.

-To some people it looks like we “just don’t learn from our mistakes.”

-We tend to operate on the principle:  Ready – Fire – Aim!

If, all your life, you have been told that you underachieve, sometimes it just feels better to shoot the gun now and aim later. This is akin to “acting without thinking”.  So, we miss our designated target and set in motion, a series of results that we did not foresee and do not want. This is where our impulsivity, not paying attention to what is around us or thinking about other positive possibilities or options becomes really clear. Often those of us with ADHD prefer to just spring into action without thinking.  This causes us to miss out on other aspects of the situation. Not taking a minute to think about those other possibilities means we miss out on many less obvious options.  That is the rub about ADHD. We may have wished we could have taken the time to think things through, but without some sort of assistance, like that which medication and proper nutrition provide, that option is simply not a possibility.

Battling our own inner Hyperactivity

“That feeling that we just need to keep moving, or are driven by our own motor that just won’t turn off. “

-As kids, we ADHD hyperactive kids got into heaps of trouble for being so hyper and impulsive. We did not see ourselves as others saw us. We felt excessively criticized and put down for just being who we were. Inside we felt happy and “normal’, and in a rush. The constant criticism took its toll on our self-esteem. We saw others as “too slow”. We felt very unique, loving and happy, but often our teachers and parents did not appreciate us for who we felt we were.

-We tend to grow out of the gross, physical, hyperactivity.   This obvious hyperactivity changes into more fine motor hyperactivity: i.e., jiggling our legs, swinging one leg over the other, tapping or drumming etc.  Adult hyperactivity can evolve and make an appearance in a more subtle way such as blinking, raising eyebrows, shrugging our shoulders, etc.  It’s as if the childlike hyperactivity moves more into a feeling of inner restlessness.

This is what I remind myself and my patients to be reminded of anytime they ask the question “Doc, why is my life so hard?”  These core traits are part of the hardwiring of the ADHD brain.  They require monitoring and management even when you just want to give in and let everything in your already overwhelmed brain just fall apart.  Resist that urge, as it usually just makes things worse. Instead, there are things that we can do to offset these “Big 3” ADHD traits.  Here are just a few suggestions to help get your ADHD life back in control:

1. Give yourself a break and expect to feel overwhelmed and plan for it. The question is not if you get overwhelmed, but when you get overwhelmed. If you know that it is just a natural part of a brain that is built like a Ferrari, then you can go easy on yourself.  Setbacks and misfires are just a part of what makes us human. Even people without ADHD feel overwhelmed sometimes. Give yourself a “get out of jail free card” every own and again. You might find it is just what the doctor ordered to help you stay on track.
2. Get enough rest. Sounds simple, but those of us with ADHD know just how difficult this can be.  Your ADHD brain just needs all the energy it can get. A sleepy ADHD brain is a useless ADHD brain.  Try to limit the amount of stimulation you have the 2 hours before you go to bed. This means no heavy talks, no super activating television shows, or thought provoking discussions two (2) hours before bedtime.
3. Eat enough protein!!  The same chemicals that your ADHD brain craves and gets in medication are made from the building blocks found in the protein you eat.  Without enough protein in your diet, all the medication in the world won’t help.
4. Drink enough water. Did you know that people who are dehydrated actually look a lot like those of us with ADHD? Dehydration can really cause you to not be able to think clearly.  If you find yourself heating up during the day, or have a dry mouth, reach for the H2O. As much as soda and coffee may taste good, soda leaches precious calcium from your body and coffee actually dehydrates you. So remember to drink two waters for every soda or coffee you drink.
5. Take your medication and your supplements. Many of us with ADHD think we are better or more free when we are off our medication. That may be how we “feel”, but that’s not usually the time when we make our best decisions and are in fact least effective.  If you are supposed to take medication or you are able to take supplements like Omega-3 fatty acids, do it! Omega -3 fatty acids really do impact the way in which our brains work. Anything that we can do to improve our ADHD brains is usually a good thing.

Next time you find yourself chasing after a life of what feels like out of control ADHD, remember that you can get control of your mind, and you can get control of your ADHD.  Take a minute and remember to keep an open mind. If something feels too extreme and out of balance—move on and look elsewhere. Find that place where your mind and your heart guide you to your best choices.

Take a moment to post a comment and tell me about how hard your ADHD life is and share any tips or strategies you found that have worked for you.

Till then—God bless.

Of particular interest to me, as an ADHD Doctor, is the similarity in symptoms that ADHD and Insomnia have in common.  Both cause problems with sleep; both cause impairments in daytime functioning.  In addition to fatigue and irritability,  there are  two other symptoms  sometimes mistakenly attributed to ADHD.  Those symptoms are difficulties with attention and concentration as well as decreased motivation. I have found it an invaluable asset to talk very specifically with my patients about the amount, as well as the quality of the sleep they are getting.  Sometimes my patients problems with inattention, motivation and the inability to focus are really the result of too little sleep. Increase the amount or the quality of sleep you get  and often these symptoms dramatically improve.

As a doctor who has seen thousands of cases of ADHD, it is very easy to look at an unmotivated teenager, one who is not motivated to go to class, to graduate, or even pay attention in school and think they have ADHD.  Fortunately, at our center, our comprehensive ADHD evaluation examines the quality, amount
and duration of sleep for every patient, at each visit.  Knowing this has often prevented me from giving a diagnosis of ADHD, when lack of sleep is really the problem.  I have seen this over and over again. As kids go into their teenage years, they stay up late, occupied with TV, video games, or being on the computer and lose sleep.   This is often the cause of their ADHD like symptoms.  Be aware that many things, including lack of sleep, can look like ADHD. Only a thorough and comprehensive evaluation of the whole person done by a qualified professional can really rule out any other causes before deciding that ADHD is the answer.

It has been my mission,   to discover what techniques for getting my essential life tasks finished actually seem to work for people with ADHD. I have found several antedotes for the poisen of overwhelm and lack of productivity.

First, change your self talk immediately! Few things are as damaging as the stories that we with ADHD tell ourselves.  Instead of  “I will never get the job done”, begin saying, “ I will get some of this done right now, no problem at all”.

Second, Get real with your abilites and pick a task tolerence time for yourself.    Ask yourself, “how many minutes would I for sure be able to handle doing this task?”   Most people with ADHD can do anything for a few minutes at a time – no problem.  Decide what your task tolerence limit is. For me, I can do anything for 10 minutes, even the hard things like laundry, or straightening up my stuff.  If it is really difficult, like opening the mail, I will break that down into 3 minute sessions.

Third, Use a timer or countdown clock online ( I like the online countdown clock atwww.online-stopwatch.com).  Set your timer for the number of minutes you decided on, start the timer and begin repeating your mantra “ I can do this, I can do this yes I can, yes I can”!  If you start to daydream or become distracted or discouraged, just look at the clock and remember you totally get to stop, after your timer goes off!  I am usually shocked how much I can do in ten minutes of uninterrupted task time. Today for example, I cleared off a pile of clothes and junk from a surface in my home office. It turns out that 10 minutes is all it took to organize and put away a weeks worth of piled clothes, papers and other miscalaneous stuff!

Fourth, Decide how much time you get off for doing a little on a task.  I am allowed 20 minutes off for every 10 minutes I spend doing my tasks. That might seem like a lot, but I would have easily burned right through a half an hour just procrastinating or doing something else. In fact as usual, I am writing this blog entry as a reward for doing a 10 minute office clean up.  I find that setting a reward-time timer is also essntial.  Without timers, I would be lost in internet space, or find myself three hours later writing a million word essay instead of a short and useful blog.

Getting tasks done around the house and at work used to really be overwhelming for me.  I found that for myself and for many of my clients with ADHD, setting a timer, using my mantra and giving myself reward time really works.

In fact, my reward time is almost done, so I will set it for another 10 minutes and see how much I can get straightened on my desk, then I will use my next reward time to finish and polish up this blog entry.  In any case, I have one very clear surface in my home office, and I got another blog entry done, not bad for about 30 minutes work.  My ADHD really works for me!

Let me know what you want to accomplish in 10 minute Power Bursts.

You will probably just make it

Any adult who has ADHD will not be surprised when they hear someone say that their life is in turmoil. That is often a good description of someone with the condition, an ADDer or ADHDer. They find the following types of behavior or words to be commonplace in their life – procrastination, impulsive, poor time-management, easily distracted and inattention (actually-surplus attention). In fact those words are par for the course with many who have ADHD.

And of course if you do keep putting things off, if you tend to rush into things or find yourself running late or going overtime, your life can be pretty frustrating at those times. But there is a way through the difficulties.

The good thing about being an adult with ADHD is that you can understand the condition; you can have it explained and ask relevant questions. You can then consider strategies which are designed to help you make it through the day. And there are strategies which work. The first is quite simple. It’s in the heading of the article.

If you look at a task you have to perform and you calculate it will take an hour, double that time and thus give yourself the freedom to reach your goal without bumping up your stress meter. It sounds simple and it is but it works. If you have time-management problems and tend to get side-tracked or procrastinate, give yourself more time. Expand your time boundaries.

Another thing which is important to adults with ADHD is that they can consciously make decisions. An adult can look at the options and make a choice. And these choices, these strategies apply equally as well in your personal life as in your professional duties.

You don’t need to be an expert in human behavior, and you do need to follow some simple and tested rules. The first is to make a list of tasks you have to do. This of course is simple but then comes the tricky bit. You have to prioritize the tasks. You have to make a list of your tasks in order of importance

You see one of the characteristics of an ADHDer is they get to the end of the day and they haven’t done one or more of the things they needed to do. Now if the undone tasks are low in priority then that’s not such a bad thing. But if the unfinished task is important, your day could get even worse.

Once your list is done in order of priority – the most important tasks at the top – you make a plan. What do I need to do get those important tasks completed? That could mean setting an alarm clock, allowing plenty of time to finish the task and allowing for travel, meal breaks, tiredness, etc. Then you are armed for battle. You have a plan which is based on a list with tasks in order of importance. You’re ready to go. You’re ready to conquer your ADHD hiccups and make your day go exactly to plan.

When we face a task or a chore at home say like painting the fence, mowing the lawn or baking a cake, we should know approximately how long that chore will take. And this is especially so if we have baked that cake many times before or mown the lawn fifty times a year. But what if we were to get our timing wrong? What if we thought we could paint the fence in two hours and six hours later we were still not through?

Well as crazy as that sounds, guessing the time it takes to do something is a major problem for many people who suffer from ADHD. Their brain simply doesn’t compute the same way a non-ADHD brain computes.

People have what is called an internal clock. They are able to take a nap and set their internal clock to wake in two hours and they do. This skill is not as likely to occur in someone who has ADHD. In fact an ADHDer is more likely to have what is known as the impulsivity trait. A person with this characteristic is likely to underestimate time. They think an hour is ten minutes or thereabouts. They have poor time perception or an impaired time perception.

Poor time perception is demonstrated in other ways as well. A child with ADHD for instance does not always understand when the right time occurs. Their teacher or parent may ask a question and the child blurts out the answers too soon. They have not grasped the appropriate time in which to respond. The answers may need to be given one at a time in turn, and a child or adult with ADHD may answer too quickly or out of turn. This is due to their inability to sense time the ways non-ADHD people can. A short time may seem like a very long time to an ADHDer.

Studies of the brain and how it affects our moods and responses are being carried out at present. One discovery concerns the chemical in our brain called Dopamine which is a key to the way we behave. When there is a ‘malfunction’ of the chemical in our brain, the person can misjudge time. They may also become excitable and impulsive. It is not their fault. They are not being rude or naughty but rather, reacting to a chemical imbalance in their brain. The flow of Dopamine can be slowed or speeded up or even cut off altogether by outside influences. If a someone with ADHD becomes excited or is placed under stress, their Dopamine supply can be affected. This in turn shows up or manifests itself in the way the child or adult behaves.

Wouldn’t it be great if we all had an internal clock that never needed winding and always went off with its alarm reminding us to do something we planned to do?

There are devices available which can help ADHDers to tell the time or see how much time remains without having to be able to tell the time. There are ways to help all of us, and especially those with ADHD, to become better at judging time.

Women Running Late

Adults ADHD in California – what is the main complaint?

Attention Disorder Hyperactivity Disorder or ADHD is believed to affect about 8% of children and about a half of these sufferers will continue with the disorder when they grow into adults. So ADHD is a significant part of the life of millions of people and of course their disorder will impact on their family, friends, teachers, fellow workers, etc.

In recent years rapid progress has been made particularly in dealing with adults who have ADHD. Professionals are better at diagnosis, understanding the full spectrum of the disorder, as well as treatments be it with medication, psychotherapy, coaching or other alternatives.

With adults, one of the major signs of their disorder is their inability tokeep appointments. They may hold down a steady job but being late on a number of occasions puts their employment at risk. Or it can show up in everyday life like meeting someone at a restaurant, attending a family gathering or even collecting your child after school. If the ADHD adult does not put systems and structures in place, then poor time-keeping may often be a feature of their lifestyle. But does not need to be so.

The interesting aspect about tardiness is that it can be overcome. It would be nice to say cured, however, we will have to settle for ways and means to reduce or eradicate your being-late behavior.

You can be proactive with physical reminders. Your email program on your computer will react if you have added details of an appointment. You can get up in the morning and turn on your computer and see your whole day. Bingo, the details come up as to where you have to be today and at what time.

Lugging your computer around everywhere may pose some problems. Some alternative choices that can help are mobile phones, clock radios and portable email receivers which can all be programmed to make a sound and/or show a text message which will remind you of your appointments and schedule. Get into the habit of giving yourself these physical reminders. And don’t be afraid of being early. If lateness is a an issue, set your arrival time to a bit earlier which will help guarantee you will not be late.

One relevant point is to check the reason or reasons as to why you are late. If you can look beneath the lateness and find its true cause, you may be able to remove or alter your being late. Are you late for work because you dislike your job? If that’s the case you may want to try to find work which is more stimulating.

Not having an interesting job is pretty much the same as not wanting to go to a meeting or get-together. We all have to go to places and events we’d rather avoid, yet once you know why you are turning up late, (as an example- you have little interest in your destination), you can tackle your lack of enthusiasm. Find out why you are late and then do something practical to challenge or remove that cause.

The good thing, if that’s the expression, about being late is that the problem can be managed. Sit down with pen and paper and plan your week. List the appointments you have for the next few days. Make notes about how you will travel and when you will depart. Put this plan in a prominent place. Check it daily and follow your own directions. You can be on time every time.

If you find it difficult to tackle this on your own, a professional specializing in ADHD can help you move beyond where you are stuck and help you reach your goals.